well, never mind about that. remus had largely put the conversation from his mind ever since it'd been had. when it occupied his thoughts, he was forced to contend with a strange cocktail of embarrassment, shame, worry, hope, and all sort of other emotions that were more suited to a bodice ripper than his life.
he had other things to worry about. until came time for his standing meeting with lily, study sessions he'd called dates casually until the fateful message that lily evans would like to spend time with him whether or not he was wearing a jumper, and merlin, how was he supposed to do this.
when the time comes, he shows up at their common room table by the window, because the one thing james potter and sirius black haven't beaten out of him is punctuality. showing up is easy. speaking, for the first time, isn't.
this is lily, he tells himself. lily evans, his friend, someone he can trust. but he knows his ears are red even before he sits across from her, plucking self-consciously at the jumper he's wearing. it's not the infamous jumper. he's not sure whether that's a good thing or not. )
So. Had a good weekend? ( what a casual, distant, absolutely uncharacteristic thing to ask. lily might catch him wince as soon as the words come out of his mouth.)
[ The only thing keeping Lily Evans from withdrawing into a life of academic solitude, free of the indignities that come when fit blokes make one act utterly stupid, was the need to apologize. Had it not been for that she would have carried on as she had in the days immediately following their exchange - acting like an avoidant (and cowardly) ghost while slipping through the castle with her head down and her book clutched firmly in front of her face.
It was what brought her there that afternoon when every last iota of sense still left in her harried mind told her in no uncertain terms to give it a miss. She could avoid him forever after she said sorry, or her sense of right and wrong would never give her a moment's peace again.
That Remus shows up as well is a surprise, and though she's hidden behind a thick book on the history of wand cores, her eyebrows shoot upward as her mouth goes dry, her heartbeat picking up speed while she desperately wishes it wouldn't.
It takes a moment to lower the book enough so that she can regard him from over the top of it, her cheeks flaming red but blessedly still hidden. For all her conviction that she's done something wrong, unwelcome, and very stupid, words fail her. She's gone so far as to rehearse what it is she means to say to him but all those eloquent heartfelt lines she had hammered out to speak before making a hasty and embarrassed escape evaporate the moment he asks after her weekend.
Her reply comes first in a noise that might be an 'oh' if it didn't have quite so much to it and drag on as it did. A second to long. ]
( remus can't help but laugh, an abrasive sort of bark that he regrets as soon as it slips past his lips. all the awkwardness of the situation aside, he can't just forget that he feels comfortable with lily, especially when the list of people he does feel comfortable with is vanishingly small.
but he knows she'll read it like he's laughing at her, when really he's laughing at the situation, because what else is there to do? neither of them can take back what they've said - neither of them seem particularly eager to return to the subject at all. remus certainly doesn't know where to start. )
Sorry. ( maybe moving quickly past it is the move. ) Wasn't laughing at you. Just- all of this. ( he waves one hand between them as the other pulls his book out of his bag. he's certainly not making eye contact with her. bravery has its limits. ) Of course you read. I know you. We're friends. I'm being a berk.
[ The words came blurted out on the heels of his declaring himself a berk, and though she wished she'd been more articulate in her delivery it didn't make it any less sincere. It didn't mean she knew where to go from here, but, at least she'd gotten that much out.
Certain that it was time to make a hasty exit, Lily pressed on saying what she had to say as she meticulously packed up her bag to run away. ]
I shouldn't have pressed the issue when you clearly weren't interested. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, I promise, the matter's dropped.
No, Evans, it's- ( they're both almost talking over each other, and neither of them really know what it is they're rushing to say. ) I didn't say I wasn't interested. I mean, I don't know if I am. ( great romantic game, remus lupin, just great. )
I mean. I couldn't really get myself to believe you were genuinely interested. In the first place. ( okay, it would be great if a hole could open up now and swallow them up. )
[ She grips her bag tightly as though she intends to stand at any moment, relenting at the last second in favor of nervous prattling. ]
I'd been trying to subtly hint for years, and perhaps I went from much too subtle to much too direct far too quickly for either of us. I still apologize.
( wait. years? hold on. no, remus can't think about this now, or else he'll just gape at her as she leaves, and he needs to stop her from leaving, because- because why? just because. )
I'm not saying it was too much. I'm not saying no, either. Just that I'm a bit stupid. You have nothing to apologize for.
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well, never mind about that. remus had largely put the conversation from his mind ever since it'd been had. when it occupied his thoughts, he was forced to contend with a strange cocktail of embarrassment, shame, worry, hope, and all sort of other emotions that were more suited to a bodice ripper than his life.
he had other things to worry about. until came time for his standing meeting with lily, study sessions he'd called dates casually until the fateful message that lily evans would like to spend time with him whether or not he was wearing a jumper, and merlin, how was he supposed to do this.
when the time comes, he shows up at their common room table by the window, because the one thing james potter and sirius black haven't beaten out of him is punctuality. showing up is easy. speaking, for the first time, isn't.
this is lily, he tells himself. lily evans, his friend, someone he can trust. but he knows his ears are red even before he sits across from her, plucking self-consciously at the jumper he's wearing. it's not the infamous jumper. he's not sure whether that's a good thing or not. )
So. Had a good weekend? ( what a casual, distant, absolutely uncharacteristic thing to ask. lily might catch him wince as soon as the words come out of his mouth.)
no subject
It was what brought her there that afternoon when every last iota of sense still left in her harried mind told her in no uncertain terms to give it a miss. She could avoid him forever after she said sorry, or her sense of right and wrong would never give her a moment's peace again.
That Remus shows up as well is a surprise, and though she's hidden behind a thick book on the history of wand cores, her eyebrows shoot upward as her mouth goes dry, her heartbeat picking up speed while she desperately wishes it wouldn't.
It takes a moment to lower the book enough so that she can regard him from over the top of it, her cheeks flaming red but blessedly still hidden. For all her conviction that she's done something wrong, unwelcome, and very stupid, words fail her. She's gone so far as to rehearse what it is she means to say to him but all those eloquent heartfelt lines she had hammered out to speak before making a hasty and embarrassed escape evaporate the moment he asks after her weekend.
Her reply comes first in a noise that might be an 'oh' if it didn't have quite so much to it and drag on as it did. A second to long. ]
I read.
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but he knows she'll read it like he's laughing at her, when really he's laughing at the situation, because what else is there to do? neither of them can take back what they've said - neither of them seem particularly eager to return to the subject at all. remus certainly doesn't know where to start. )
Sorry. ( maybe moving quickly past it is the move. ) Wasn't laughing at you. Just- all of this. ( he waves one hand between them as the other pulls his book out of his bag. he's certainly not making eye contact with her. bravery has its limits. ) Of course you read. I know you. We're friends. I'm being a berk.
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[ The words came blurted out on the heels of his declaring himself a berk, and though she wished she'd been more articulate in her delivery it didn't make it any less sincere. It didn't mean she knew where to go from here, but, at least she'd gotten that much out.
Certain that it was time to make a hasty exit, Lily pressed on saying what she had to say as she meticulously packed up her bag to run away. ]
I shouldn't have pressed the issue when you clearly weren't interested. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, I promise, the matter's dropped.
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I mean. I couldn't really get myself to believe you were genuinely interested. In the first place. ( okay, it would be great if a hole could open up now and swallow them up. )
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[ She grips her bag tightly as though she intends to stand at any moment, relenting at the last second in favor of nervous prattling. ]
I'd been trying to subtly hint for years, and perhaps I went from much too subtle to much too direct far too quickly for either of us. I still apologize.
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( wait. years? hold on. no, remus can't think about this now, or else he'll just gape at her as she leaves, and he needs to stop her from leaving, because- because why? just because. )
I'm not saying it was too much. I'm not saying no, either. Just that I'm a bit stupid. You have nothing to apologize for.
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[ Lily laughed sheepishly, aware of how wrong-footed her attempt at a consoling remark was so far. ]
You're the least stupid bloke?